Flyosophy

2009 has not been my best year, and I doubt I’ll be sad to see it go. 

I rang in 2009 on a snow covered highway with a flat tire.  I had been working and there are a few things about my job which you should know to fully appreciate what happened next.  I essentially work inside a computer, the rooms I perform my tasks in are very warm, so I’ve never gotten in the habit of wearing a warm jacket, a hat gloves, that sort of thing.  Secondly, my shift ends at midnight, great for striper season, not so great during a snowstorm on New Year’s Eve.  So when I started changing the tire in the sub-zero temperatures, I was dressed in a Justice League Tee-shirt and a pair of jeans.  Before I could screw together the crank to free the spare, I had lost all feeling in my hands.

If you have ever changed a tire on a pick-up truck, you will understand that there is an additional step after you get the lug nuts loosened; you have to get the flat tire free which is almost always rusted in place.  Not the hardest thing to do, but when you have the truck up on a crappy jack with nothing but ice beneath it you tend not to be as aggressive as you may need to be…at least I wasn’t I was concerned about knocking the jack out and dropping the truck so what should have taken a minute or two, took a lot longer.  The fact that I’m pretty sure my brain was starting to show signs of hypothermia probably didn’t help much.  Keep in mind I had to kneel, and at one point lay down, in the snow to get the jack in position…both my tee-shirt and jeans were wet.

Still I managed; I got the spare on, secured the flat and was in the process of stowing the jack when a cruiser pulled up behind me.  Forgot to mention, the two-lane highway wasn’t exactly plowed well and the flat tire was on the driver’s side.  The first few times a car passed me I thought I’d get killed, then I started kind of hoping for a graze and a warm ride in an ambulance.  The flashing blues seemed like a Godsend until the officer started asking questions like: “So how much New Year Cheer did you have?” and word to the wise, walking in a straight line is slightly difficult when you can’t feel your frozen feet.  Eventually I convinced him that I wasn’t drunk, just nearly frozen to death, took a while, and I started to get concerned when I wasn’t feeling all that cold anymore.

Finally I was back on my way home.  My house had been sold and so all of the furniture and most of the belongings had been placed in storage. All that remained was a Coleman inflatable mattress, a milk crate, a TV (cable was off) and my beloved Xbox 360 and my even more beloved Daisy – a Golden Retriever.  I figured I could live like this for a few weeks (it would end up being eight months – more on that later.)  I had never been so happy to get home and couldn’t wait for a warm shower, a hot cup of chamomile tea, and to get tucked into my mat and play some Grand Theft Auto – hopefully to have beautiful dreams about running over pedestrians and keeping my pimp hand strong.

Little concerned when I walked to the front door and the sensor light didn’t snap on.  Then really concerned when Daisy burst through the door and her fur was as chilled as my skin.  The power was out, no heat, no hot-water, no shower, no tea chamomile or otherwise.  I had a fireplace but no matches, lighters, or ambition.  So I collected my dog, allowed her to finally sleep under the covers, and lied to her as I drifted off into what may have been a shallow hypothermic coma, “Well Daisy, if this is the way 2009 starts, it can only get better.” 

It didn’t.

Within a week the deal on the house fell through, my ex-wife stole my dog, and I started to doubt that eating naught but celery and peanut butter was a sound, healthy life strategy.  I felt the isolation of a Cape Cod winter start to mess with my already addled mind. So I tried dating, which is usually a bad idea.  I met a nice girl who left a message to cancel our third date because she was in the hospital.  I was shocked and worried.  I visited her and the elevator to her floor opened to reveal two choices:  Maternity and “Ring Bell.”  I thought the plain “Ring Bell” door was the lesser and more likely of the two evils.  I rang and after having the flowers I brought along with my person thoroughly searched, I found that I was now in the land of lost.  Before the end of the day, I was seated in a cafeteria my left hand playing Trivial Pursuits (and kicking ass) against the substance abusers, while my right played Candyland (I lost despite cheating) with the bewildered and the blank. 

This was one of my better days.

The house lingered in a stagnant market, yet I was too stubborn to move my furniture back (I did dig out my tying supplies however.)  I think I have permanent marks on my ass from sitting on that milk crate.  When the house finally sold I bought another but had a five week stretch with nowhere to live.  Luckily it was the summer so I just slept on the beach…of course had it been anytime but the summer I could have found a cheap rental.  I’ll never forget the look on the kid’s face who discovered me in the bath house at West Dennis Beach brushing my teeth, or when I over-heard his father explain how some people aren’t as fortunate as others.

Then there were the sad number of events that don’t make for amusing stories.  My little family became littler, tight finances became tighter, and the people I want to see most I tend to see less.  Some of this is my own damn fault, and lot of it is due to the simple tides of fortune, none of it makes much sense to me. 

Also, for whatever reason, in 2009 every time I had a decision to make I made the wrong one for the wrong reasons.  I lost a lot this year simply because I wasn’t acting like myself.  I can deal with making mistakes, heck I rather enjoy it in certain situations, and there is no better way to learn.  This was different.  This year I learned just how much of myself I’ve lost – how much insecurity, fear, and weakness has managed to overcome joy, intelligence, and confidence.  I thought the fall had cost me a mere three inches of height, seems I lost a bit more of the stuff that can’t easily be measured.  A lot can happen when you aren’t paying attention, or rather paying attention to the wrong things. 

Suffice to say if the ball drops and lands on my head, I really won’t be that surprised.

Still, there was fishing.

Not the best year perhaps, but despite economic, social, and personal turmoil the tides came in and out.  Fish went about their business whether or not I was there to bother them.  Whenever I came across a group of guys with long rods, even if they were in my spot, more often than not the only sore feelings were in our cheeks from laughing so hard.  As much as things change, it is nice to know some things really don’t.  It seems strange to consider a hobby like a friend, but fishing has always been there for me.  To cheer me when I’m blue, to fill days that would otherwise be spent doing something productive.  It is love.  I think of the sea when I ought to be working and I am distracted by her beauty.  I hold memories of her that may be years and years old as though they were just yesterday, and as pathetic and dramatic as it sounds, I feel it would break my heart if I couldn’t be near her. 

The waters can be quiet when you need quiet, murmur a sweet song when your soul is too loud, or they can come down with a fury when you need a reminder of just how small you are, and thus how small your problems are.  Men don’t cry, but if hypothetically, an eighth of a ton ex-linebacker thinks of a small white box while drifting at sea in a kayak, the ocean will hide that for him and keep it secret.  Like a good friend.

I don’t know what is in store come 2010.  I hope for happier times, when fun and cheer outweigh the struggles and tears.  I don’t put a lot of faith in hopes.  Rather that which is known or can be learned.  I know that the mistakes I make in 2010, will not be repeats of the ones I made in 2009 – that is a comfort.  I know that I will appreciate more that which is temporary, which is largely everything, most especially the happy times enjoyed with friends and with family.  I will honor that which is more lasting, writings and knowledge, the love of a family, the loyalty of a pet, and the section of my soul which thirsts for saltwater. 

Life is worth the trouble it takes to live it and the respect it is due to be lived well.  We are owed nothing, yet we have a new year, a chance to change our direction, or trim the sails.  To stand humbly but boldly on the crossroads of chance and opportunity, and do the best we can.  It is all a free person will ever need.

See you next year.

~ by Sean Juan on December 31, 2009.