Seriously, let’s look at the Holiday Season in a little more depth, specifically the five major holidays which of which the season is comprised: Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Festivus, and New Years Day.   

Christmas is the big daddy of the season, in fact it is likely Kwanzaa or Festivus would not even exist without it, and Hanukkah would most likely be reduced to what it historically was a fairly minor Jewish holiday.  (I mean come on Olive Oil for lamps lasting eight days instead of one may be Al Gore’s wet dream, but have you read the Bible?  Pillars of Fire, plagues, hot chicks, walls falling down at the sound of a trumpet…this, by comparison, is a pretty lame miracle – unless it was the Olive Oil served with bread at an Italian restaurant lasting…that would be a miracle)  Christmas dominates the last few weeks of November and the entire month of December, no other Holiday even comes close.  Now some may look at this as a good thing.  After all Christmas is on the surface the celebration for the birth of Jesus, the person who according to approximately 80% of Americans, is the Savior of mankind (Mr. Socko, on more than one occasion, saved Mankind the Wrestler don’t confuse the two.)  Important as this may be, I don’t mean to imply that it isn’t, religion simply is not the primary motivator for Christmas’s dominance.  On a religiousness scale, Easter is a bazillion times more important than Christmas – yet holds none of cultural dominance, heck even the oft neglected Pentecost is of greater purely religious importance.  So the expression – Christ is the reason for the season, falls a little flat.  I’ll even go so far as to say it isn’t true.

Santa and his secular minions aren’t the true meaning of Christmas either.  As a child I was afraid of Santa, then as a slightly older child I vehemently hated him.  Who was Santa to judge me?  Sure I fought with my brother and maybe I did dye the dog’s fur, but what gives Santa the right?  Yes, I got coal – a few times, what I never got was the point…or justice.

So let’s get away from Christmas and look at two new comers.  Kwanzaa and Festivus are essentially the same – well Festivus is at least fun and inclusive.  They exist solely as alternatives to Christmas.  Kwanzaa was created in 1966 and is essentially an African-American cultural celebration.  Which seems fine, as a person who values history, I enjoy most cultural celebrations – especially the Greek ones involving goat cheese – that stuff is great.  One’s religion, however, is a big part of his culture, and given that a strong majority of African-American’s are Christian and thus celebrate Christmas – Kwanzaa always felt a bit stand-offish, as though Karenga wanted to celebrate the African-American culture he desired but did not truly exist.   My biggest complaint with Kwanzaa is that it is purely an American Holiday, yet exspouses non-American values – like Socialism and doing things for the “community” and more importantly the “leader” of said “community.”  American values are rugged individualism, self-expression, and telling the English to suck it.  Kwanzaa has its roots in Black Nationalism which advocates separation, including separation from Christianity often described as a White religion that should be shunned, and thus so should Christmas.     

“To give Blacks an alternative to the existing holiday and give Blacks an opportunity to celebrate themselves and history, rather than simply imitate the practice of the dominant society.”

Maulana Karenga – Inventor of Kwanzaa

Maulana Karenga (this name he gave himself means “Our Master the Nationalist” here’s a tip NEVER follow a guy who calls himself The Master – it never ends well)  also did time for felony assault.  No, he didn’t beat up some white guys, but rather bound and tortured a couple of women – whipped them with electrical cords, beat them with batons, and used soldering irons on them.  Seems Socialists who make up holidays always tend to be ungentlemanly – wait till Earth day.  So true, I don’t have a lot of use or respect for Kwanzaa – especially the name – comes from Swahili – an East African language.  If you really wanted to trace the cultural effects of slavery on African-Americans why wouldn’t you at least use a West African language…oh yeah that’s right Karenga learned his language skills from the Nation of Islam where Swahili makes far more sense yet still it only became a major language because of German and British colonial efforts.  Couldn’t even do an hour’s worth of research.

Offended? – not that I care just curious.  But now let’s be fair, if Kwanzaa is getting bashed because its founder wasn’t a saint, had his own poorly concealed agenda which ran counter to the mainstream of the land in which he lived, and hitched his wagon to a beloved popular holiday of the very culture he was trying to under-mine?  Isn’t that pretty much a parallel for the history of Christmas?  It pretty much is…coal again this year.   

Keep in mind there was a time, long before the first Christmas, when Sol Invictus “The Unconquered Sun” was celebrated by nearly everyone.  What self-respecting pagan wouldn’t want to worship the sun?  It may be just a big ball of gas but we would be so screwed without it.  Modern physics claims that the molecules in our bodies were forged in the core of the sun.  Makes you wonder about the Pagan dimwits who worshiped a stupid tree.  Ya there was that too, and yes Christmas does have more than a few tree-related themes and customs.  Probably the most time-honored tradition of any time-honored tradition is that when you start up a new one, make sure you pig-a-back it to an old one.

So Christmas falls nearly on what was traditionally a Roman holiday, later or earlier depending on your point of view it would do much the same to the druids and whoever else noticed the true meaning of Christmas.  Wait the Romans were great a lot of things, but they pretty much took their culture from the places they conquered.  So it is a fair bet that long before the Dies Natalis Solis Invicti  “the birthday of the unconquered Sun” there was probably a Eutruscan or Latin or Celtic festival of a similar theme…or at least similar placement on the calendar.   

 So what is the true meaning of Christmas then?  Gather close my children and I will teach you, for it is this.

Winter sucks.

Since the dawn of human history, in the Northern Hemisphere, people have gotten drunk, danced, and feasted at or around the winter Soltice, because everyone knows that winter sucks ass.  Fishing is all but impossible…ya I’ve heard about Steelheading, I’ve also heard about not freezing my nads off…guess which one seems more enjoyable.  The reason for all these winter festivals is simple: what the hell else are you going to do?  I’m sure some people enjoy being around their families, some folk may even have friends, but for me Christmas time means I work, go home, and play Xbox in my underwear – possibly while gulping egg nog to get even fatter so I have more weight to lose come New Year’s resolution time.  Bah Humbug! 

I have no idea if three thousand years from know people will still celebrate Christmas or Kwanzaa or perhaps Festivus…but I am sure that there will be someone trying to “modernize” the world’s oldest tradition, just as I’m sure there will be people bitching about it on both sides of the argument.  This isn’t a cyncial snipe, rather I take a measure of comfort from this.  Whatever you celebrate I hope it is a good one and that you never lose sight of why you are doing that which you are doing…to be happy during the most miserable season.

Seriously I need a Sugar-Momma to fly (and spank) my ass to Florida for four months…I’ll do anything…ANYTHING…yes that too.